There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
