____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
