thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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