good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
