I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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