Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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