i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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