Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
