ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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