Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
