My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
