I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
