i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
