Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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