there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
