dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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