You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
