i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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