Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
