my phone needs a breathalizer
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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