a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
