Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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