She is in my trunk
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to make out with him forever
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
