Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
