You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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