I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
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