these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
