I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
