Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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