Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
