Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
