My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
