You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
