Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
