Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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