i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
