conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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