Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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