Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
