when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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