would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
