I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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