Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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