it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
