I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
