Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My vagina just recognized that song.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
