I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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