Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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