So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
