so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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