she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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