i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
