please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
