The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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