pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
