I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
