yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
