It's a beautiful day for a hangover
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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