i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Drake has all the answers
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
