it wasn't lemon gatorade
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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