I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
