you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
