grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
