im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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