can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
