Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
